Perforated Sovereignty: A Birthday Tribute to the American Way of Hygiene
We didn’t choose toilet paper. We inherited it. And we’ve been defending it ever since.
The Birthday Note
Happy Birthday, Toilet Paper.
134 years as the reigning champion of a habit we never questioned.
You arrived before running water and stayed when indoor plumbing did.
You stuck around through two world wars.
Inherited early.
Protected by privacy.
A silent partner in everybody’s business.
Every bathroom in every house. Every office.
During a global health crisis, food and medicine mattered. You mattered more.
You proved that fear is temporary, but habit is forever.
And even in an age of AI and self-driving cars, we never quite let you go.
No amount of clean, hands-free water could replace you.
You won the ultimate popularity contest by never changing at all.
So cheers to you, Toilet Paper.
We’ve held on for nearly a century and a half.
How would we live without you?
Quite well, actually.
Yours sincerely,
We, the Americans
The Part We Avoid Talking About
Toilet paper in America isn’t a preference. It’s an inheritance.
Learned before we can question it. Practiced in total privacy. Shielded from comparison for life.
Privacy doesn’t just protect dignity.
It protects inertia.
That’s why innovation floods every other room of the house, while the bathroom stays frozen in time.
This Is What Makes It American
Other developed countries moved on decades ago. Water-based hygiene became standard once plumbing existed.
In the U.S., dry paper stayed king. Not because it worked better. Because it arrived first and never faced a serious challenge.
That’s not tradition.
That’s inertia.
The Pandemic as a Mirror
The pandemic held up a mirror.
When uncertainty hit, people didn’t just stock up. They clung.
In a moment when safety, food, and medicine all felt fragile, toilet paper became the emotional constant.
That wasn’t about effectiveness.
It was about familiarity.
Fear is temporary.
Habit is forever.*
So Why Didn’t Better Win?
Cleaner, hands-free, water-based options have existed for years.*
They didn’t fail technically.
They failed psychologically.
No one wants to rethink what no one ever talks about.
So… How Would We Live Without It?
Quite well, actually.
And the moment we can say that without flinching is the moment change becomes inevitable.
Stay Wild. Stay Clean.
