So, What the Bidet Is a Bidet?
Let’s demystify the porcelain prince of personal hygiene, because it’s time we stop pretending toilet paper is the only option on the menu.
The Bidet: Mysterious, Misunderstood, and Way Less Weird Than We Were Told
For too long, Americans have tiptoed around the bidet like it’s some European sex toy. It’s not. (Although your naught bits might still say thank you.) The bidet is not a sink. It’s not a urinal. It’s not a bougie hotel accessory reserved for people named Giancarlo. It’s a rinsing device. For your butt. After you poop. Groundbreaking.*
Let’s be clear: wiping with dry paper can feel about as effective as trying to clean up a peanut butter spill with a tortilla. You might feel like you did something, but for a lot of people, the job doesn’t exactly feel finished, and that sensation tends to linger.
The bidet doesn’t mess around. It says, “We have water. We have technology. Let’s stop pretending we live in 1891.”
Meet the Bidet Family: A Functional, Delightful Bunch
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to the bidet. Like jeans or coffee orders, there are options, and some are extra frothy. Here’s a breakdown:
1. The Standalone Bidet
This is the OG. A separate porcelain unit that lives next to your toilet and whispers, “I cost $900 and I summer in Tuscany.” You do your business in one, then waddle over to rinse in the other. Elegant? Sure. Practical? Only if you’ve got real estate to spare and zero shame in the bathroom shuffle.
2. The Electric Bidet Seat
This is where things get spicy. Heated seats. Pressure controls. Temperature settings. Air dryers. Night lights. It’s basically a Tesla for your tush. Some even have remote controls, which is both helpful and exciting.
3. The Bidet Attachment
The people’s hero. These budget-friendly wonders bolt onto your existing toilet seat and offer a jet stream that many people find far more satisfying than dry wiping alone. Twist a dial and rinse. No electricity. No drama. It’s like giving your toilet a superpower.
4. The Handheld Bidet (Shattaf)
A sprayer you hold and aim yourself.. Popular in the Middle East and parts of Asia, it’s like a super soaker for your butt. Slight learning curve. Unlimited potential. A little chilly but most people don’t mind. Channel your inner car wash attendant and feel precision-level clean.
We recommend searching “bum gun” and learning from happy travelers who visited Singapore.
5. The Travel Bidet
Because even your hotel’s “luxury suite” thinks two-ply is enough. These come in squeeze-bottle or collapsible form, so you never have to settle for a subpar wipe just because you’re on the road. TSA may raise an eyebrow, but your personal standards won’t.
And for many people, making the switch is one of those “why didn’t I do this sooner?” moments.
Why Any of This Matters
Because most of us wash our hands with water.
Because plenty of people question whether paper-only cleanup makes sense.
And because a massive industry has grown around maintaining a habit instead of rethinking it.
A bidet isn’t about luxury. It’s about logic. If you got bird poop on your arm, would you wipe it off with a napkin and call it good? Probably not.
Once you think about it long enough, the toilet paper habit starts to feel… negotiable.
Final Word: It’s Time to Break Up with the Wipe
Bidets aren’t weird. They’re just unfamiliar. We’re living in a society obsessed with skincare routines, sanitizers, and multi-step face regimens. We’re still relying solely on dry paper for the one area most people would agree deserves real attention?
Unacceptable.
Truth Bomb
Toilet paper was introduced in 1857. Widespread indoor plumbing came later. We’ve largely relied on dry wiping since before indoor plumbing became a thing. That’s not tradition. That’s inertia.*
Shift one habit and your butt will thank you. Join the Clean A** Revolution.
Stay Wild. Stay Clean.
